Well.... getting back into the dating scene this year has once again reminded me what a strange and bizarre world is out there when it comes to dating.
Let see.. this years stories:
- Marie: Nice girl, cute but has a serious anger management issue and is crazy negative about everything. We dated in the spring for appx 3 months which was just ok, but her attitude kept putting me off and it all came to a head one fateful July day.
We went out camping overnight and Saturday was shaky as she was super bitchy all day but we muddled through it. Then we went to bed and got to sleep.... no biggie. You know how when you are woken up that you will be startled and ask things like "What?.. Is everything ok? Did something happen?"... Well... She woke me up at 4am and I was quite startled and suddenly got blasted with a very angry voice saying "Why the hell do you have to ask all these questions? I just wanted to you to roll over becuase you were snoring". Wow... ok... no problem.
Then... I made a critical dating mistake. I feel asleep pretty much immediately and must have farted when I fell asleep as she woke me up again and was yelling and extremely upset. "How dare I fart in a small tent in the outdoors (we had seperate sleeping bags)." And proceeded to get out of the tent, yelling and throwing stuff around. WOW.. OH WOW.. .Good dating tip. Don't fart while camping in the outdoors. LOL. So.. when i decided that was enough and broke up a few days later, she was actually very surprised and didn't understand why. LOL.. oh well.
- Lisa (name changed to protect.. well.. me?). Nice enough girl, but I had already known her for a few years and knew she could be quite a bitch sometimes. Not much to tell about her other than it lasted only a few weeks as I just couldn't stand her massive OCD issues. Her last name was "Sheets" (little odd, but no big deal). I damn near bust a gut when I found out that her maiden name was "Gross".. honest to god... she was Lisa Gross Sheets. LOL. WOW
- The Dating Agency. I decided to give a dating agency a try to see if that would help my luck. Nope... sure didn't. There first matches they gave me were kinda a big mismatch but I thought it would just take them a bit to get to know me and figure out what kinda of girl to match me too. Then one day, they called saying "Oh Rob.. we found the perfect girl for you. You two are going to be awesome and we are so excited to introduce you two". Turns out it was a large Philopino girl who spoke very little english and I still can't figure out what we had in common. WOW
- Match.com and warning of "head shots". If their profile only had head shots and no body photos = warning. I forgot that lesson from a few years ago. This fall I met a girl online and seemed to get along ok, but she kept ignorning my request for more pics and pushed for us to meet for supper. Alright... what the hell. lets see what happens. Her profile says she has an "average body type" (humm). When we arrived at the restaurant it became clear instantaneously. The waiter asks its a table for two and I say "Yes... two chairs for her ass and one for me too please.". LOL.. no.. I didn't say it, but really wanted to... very, very big girl. NEXT!!! (Not that I am trying to be shallow, but I have to have some interest in them sexually and big doesnt' do it for me anymore (maybe in my youth, but not now that I am pretty big. lol))
Well.. .I am sure there will continue to be more dating stories as life goes on, so stay tuned.
Good Night.
Rob
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
The famous Panty Incident
Yup.. .another one of those famous dating stories and yet another from those freakish 4 year dating period in the mid 2000's.
Jamie (again... name changed to protect the "not-so-innocent"). I used to like to call her the 4'11" Italian Fireball. Short, cute, fun, flirtatous and full of temper.
Jamie and I met online and went through a few years of strange on and off again bizarreness.
One Sunday, I was talking to her and said that I needed to get some laundry done very badly. Not having my own washer and dryer and I usually take my down for a few hours at local laundromat, Jamie says "just bring it over her. You can use my washer and dryer and we can hang out for the day". I decided to keep it simple and just bring my green garbage bag full of darks and worry about the rest later.
We had a great day and I put my stuff in the wash and completely forgot about it until I went to leave so I put it in the dryer and Julie agreed to bring it over the next day. Awesome.
The next day when I got home from work, Julie had already been to my house and dropped off the bag of dark laundry. I emptied the bag and started putting stuff away, but wow..... I had one extra piece of laundry come back.... a pair of black panties. I laughed out loud and smiled as I loved how Jamie could be so flirtatous and I loved that about her.
Off the phone I went with a big grin and called her up. Being sly and trying to be flirtatous back, we talked and I said that I thought it was very cute how she put her panties in there.
"Its not mine", she said. My jaw dropped and I went from warm, fuzzy and big smile to confused and shocked in a micro-second.
"Huh?", I said. "And... I want to know who's they are (getting angerier by the second and enjoying her little trap that she had sprung).
Wow... did that ever bring out the Italian fire in her. BOOM!!!! I got blasted clear across town as I tried to defend and figure out what had happened all at once. She was super pissed!!!!! and we didn't talk for months. Certainly not the first nor the last time we blasted at each other, wrote each other off only slowly start talking again month later.
I will never really know how that happened but I have a hunch... .a weak one, but its the only theory I ever came up with. I always used the same green garbage bags when I went to the laundromat. A couple times over years, I would gain one or two articles of clothing in those bags but usually I noticed it when I emptied them out right away versus them waiting for the next laundry load. Could I really have been that unlucky to have gained a pair of panties in the previous load? Well.. unlikely, but certainly possible.
I know for an absolute fact that they were not from some other "tryst" with some other girl as I really wasn't dating much those days. LOL.. honest!!!!!
Nothing like mixing a pair of unclaimed black panties with a 4'11" Italian Fireball. LOL.
Jamie (again... name changed to protect the "not-so-innocent"). I used to like to call her the 4'11" Italian Fireball. Short, cute, fun, flirtatous and full of temper.
Jamie and I met online and went through a few years of strange on and off again bizarreness.
One Sunday, I was talking to her and said that I needed to get some laundry done very badly. Not having my own washer and dryer and I usually take my down for a few hours at local laundromat, Jamie says "just bring it over her. You can use my washer and dryer and we can hang out for the day". I decided to keep it simple and just bring my green garbage bag full of darks and worry about the rest later.
We had a great day and I put my stuff in the wash and completely forgot about it until I went to leave so I put it in the dryer and Julie agreed to bring it over the next day. Awesome.
The next day when I got home from work, Julie had already been to my house and dropped off the bag of dark laundry. I emptied the bag and started putting stuff away, but wow..... I had one extra piece of laundry come back.... a pair of black panties. I laughed out loud and smiled as I loved how Jamie could be so flirtatous and I loved that about her.
Off the phone I went with a big grin and called her up. Being sly and trying to be flirtatous back, we talked and I said that I thought it was very cute how she put her panties in there.
"Its not mine", she said. My jaw dropped and I went from warm, fuzzy and big smile to confused and shocked in a micro-second.
"Huh?", I said. "And... I want to know who's they are (getting angerier by the second and enjoying her little trap that she had sprung).
Wow... did that ever bring out the Italian fire in her. BOOM!!!! I got blasted clear across town as I tried to defend and figure out what had happened all at once. She was super pissed!!!!! and we didn't talk for months. Certainly not the first nor the last time we blasted at each other, wrote each other off only slowly start talking again month later.
I will never really know how that happened but I have a hunch... .a weak one, but its the only theory I ever came up with. I always used the same green garbage bags when I went to the laundromat. A couple times over years, I would gain one or two articles of clothing in those bags but usually I noticed it when I emptied them out right away versus them waiting for the next laundry load. Could I really have been that unlucky to have gained a pair of panties in the previous load? Well.. unlikely, but certainly possible.
I know for an absolute fact that they were not from some other "tryst" with some other girl as I really wasn't dating much those days. LOL.. honest!!!!!
Nothing like mixing a pair of unclaimed black panties with a 4'11" Italian Fireball. LOL.
Yet Another Dating Story
Well.... I am on a roll tonight so out come even more stories.
Michelle.... nice girl, but oh my!!!! I went through a stretch about 6 years ago of dating online with nothing but strangeness happening. Three weeks was the magic number. By the end of three weeks, something would go wrong, strange, bizarre, something.. .and Michelle was no different.
Met online and hit it off immediately. Turns out we even had a strong connection in the fact that while we were now both living in Calgary, we went to high school with each other in Saskatoon (more than a few years back and she was one grade up from me. I did not know her then).
Like the rest, those first three weeks were just awesome and life was good.
Then came Friday night. Michelle says "Come on over, it will be you, me, my friend 'Teresa' (name changed to protect.. well... the not-so-innocent) and her fiance 'Fred'". We will drink some homemade wine, watch some movies and relax". Sounds great :)
Late in the evening, suddenly Teresa puts a strawberry in her mouth, walks over to Michelle and gives Michelle a great big kiss and they share the strawberry.
Well.... I was completely shell shocked.
I looked over at Fred who had a silly assed, devilish grin and if to say "ya!!!!!! rock on".
I didn't know what to think and was completely stunned. I backed away to the kitchen and tried to gather my thoughts. Michelle, noticing that I was completely agast, comes up to me and says "This isn't how I wanted to tell you but I am bi-sexual. Teresa is my girlfriend of 6 months and I want you as my boyfriend and I want you both".
All I could think of is "Why can't I met a nice, quiet Saskatchewan girl", but "oh no... I find a bi-sexual who likes to share".
You know.. I have told this story to lots of folks over the years and its funny to say that I can THIS close to every man's fantasy and walked away.
Its damn funny in hind site, and funnier yet is that most people ask two questions.
1) Did you continue dating her? A solid, consistant "no" is my answer
2) Did you.... well... play? The answer depends on if you are male or female and is either "NO WAY!" or "Well... not that day anyways. LOL" (just kidding).
Michelle.... nice girl, but oh my!!!! I went through a stretch about 6 years ago of dating online with nothing but strangeness happening. Three weeks was the magic number. By the end of three weeks, something would go wrong, strange, bizarre, something.. .and Michelle was no different.
Met online and hit it off immediately. Turns out we even had a strong connection in the fact that while we were now both living in Calgary, we went to high school with each other in Saskatoon (more than a few years back and she was one grade up from me. I did not know her then).
Like the rest, those first three weeks were just awesome and life was good.
Then came Friday night. Michelle says "Come on over, it will be you, me, my friend 'Teresa' (name changed to protect.. well... the not-so-innocent) and her fiance 'Fred'". We will drink some homemade wine, watch some movies and relax". Sounds great :)
Late in the evening, suddenly Teresa puts a strawberry in her mouth, walks over to Michelle and gives Michelle a great big kiss and they share the strawberry.
Well.... I was completely shell shocked.
I looked over at Fred who had a silly assed, devilish grin and if to say "ya!!!!!! rock on".
I didn't know what to think and was completely stunned. I backed away to the kitchen and tried to gather my thoughts. Michelle, noticing that I was completely agast, comes up to me and says "This isn't how I wanted to tell you but I am bi-sexual. Teresa is my girlfriend of 6 months and I want you as my boyfriend and I want you both".
All I could think of is "Why can't I met a nice, quiet Saskatchewan girl", but "oh no... I find a bi-sexual who likes to share".
You know.. I have told this story to lots of folks over the years and its funny to say that I can THIS close to every man's fantasy and walked away.
Its damn funny in hind site, and funnier yet is that most people ask two questions.
1) Did you continue dating her? A solid, consistant "no" is my answer
2) Did you.... well... play? The answer depends on if you are male or female and is either "NO WAY!" or "Well... not that day anyways. LOL" (just kidding).
Dating and Farting don't mix
Well... I know I have a ton of stories that I promised and haven't got around to them and they are all pretty damn funny. My most recent addition to this list is from just this past summer (2010).
I was sort of dating a girl on/off and we decided to go out camping. She is a nice girl but has proven that she has a bit of an anger management issue. Well.... Saturday started out alright but it was clear that she was not in a good mood so I was careful on what I said and did.
Saturday night in the middle of the night it started to go all sideways. You know how when you suddenly are woken up, that you need a few seconds to get oriented and sometimes you ask a few questions? Well... I suddenly was poked and it woke me up so I immediately started saying "huh?", "What happened?, "is everything alright?",etc. Only to get blasted by this girl very angrly saying "Oh My God!!!!! You don't need to barriage me with questions! I only want you to roll over as you were snoring too much".
Well... ok. no biggie... I rolled over and went back to sleep.
Thats when I made the biggest dating mistake ever. Falling asleep very quickly, I farted in the tent. BOOM!!!!! She exploded! "Its a small tent! How dare you fart!... blah, blah, blah". I immediately woke up again not knowing what had happened to the verbal tirade of anger and tongue lashing and it didn't take long to figure out my critical mistake. It pissed her off so much that she left the tent and was yelling. gulp!!!!
Well... guess I had better learn how to choose when to fart in my sleep. LOL.
I was sort of dating a girl on/off and we decided to go out camping. She is a nice girl but has proven that she has a bit of an anger management issue. Well.... Saturday started out alright but it was clear that she was not in a good mood so I was careful on what I said and did.
Saturday night in the middle of the night it started to go all sideways. You know how when you suddenly are woken up, that you need a few seconds to get oriented and sometimes you ask a few questions? Well... I suddenly was poked and it woke me up so I immediately started saying "huh?", "What happened?, "is everything alright?",etc. Only to get blasted by this girl very angrly saying "Oh My God!!!!! You don't need to barriage me with questions! I only want you to roll over as you were snoring too much".
Well... ok. no biggie... I rolled over and went back to sleep.
Thats when I made the biggest dating mistake ever. Falling asleep very quickly, I farted in the tent. BOOM!!!!! She exploded! "Its a small tent! How dare you fart!... blah, blah, blah". I immediately woke up again not knowing what had happened to the verbal tirade of anger and tongue lashing and it didn't take long to figure out my critical mistake. It pissed her off so much that she left the tent and was yelling. gulp!!!!
Well... guess I had better learn how to choose when to fart in my sleep. LOL.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Another Lonely Night
I am still learning how to be on my own again. I guess it will probably take a long time, but I have no choice. As much as I would love to meet someone, preferrably a good friend, but even having a reliable, trustworthy lover would be nice. I guess I am just not ready.
It was pretty hard being on my own for those four years after leaving Mia and staring up with Bele. I can do alot of things very well, but dating isn't one of them. It was a hard, lonely stretch. I will have to tell you about some of those stories someday as many of them are damn funny.
I know I am doing the right thing by not being with Bele anymore. I do miss her sometimes, but miss her less and less all the time. Those nights where she was drinking were so bizzare that most of you would never even believe it.... but, I will probably share some of those stories with you too.
Who am I? A nice guy, reasonably good looking, smart, funny, goofy, very sensitive, big hearted, and sometimes stubborn, but am pretty much the average guy. But... I have alot of stories over my years. Some will make you laugh, some will being you a warm smile, some will out and out make you cry, but each are very entertaining. My life has been just full of interesting stuff since day one and over time, you may just hear a bunch of them.
A teaser you say? Ah... ok.. just one. Let me tell you one of my funniest and bizzare dating stories from many moons ago.
Her name was Karla. I had been going through a phase of meeting women online and many of the ones I was meeting were like instant pudding. Add a little water, shake and poof... full on, yummy pudding in no time. Quick and easy. Those relationships were full on in days and rarely lasted more than three weeks before stuff went weird, and Karla proved to be no exception.
We met online and hit it off immediately and were completely enjoying each others company. She was a cute 5'8" woman with a great face and nice smile... hips and butt were kinda big, but who i am to judge.
Those first three weeks were awesome until one day..... She turns to me and says, "You know.. I have thinking Rob.". "Un-huh", I replied with a interested and warm smile. "You know how religion is important to me but not very important to you.". "Un-huh", again I replied, but now the warm smile was starting to slighly move to a cautious smile. "I have starting to read the bible again, and I have decided we can't do this, and this, and this and this.". "Un-huh", I again replied but now the smile is making complete confusion. I am always eager to be a complete gentleman, so I continued to listen and try not to show much reaction. "And... I want you to come to church with me next Wednesday". Well... what do I say, not interesting in goign...but "Un-huh".
So... I went to church with her on Wednesday. It was a strange and amazing experience. Now, I am not a religious man, but always appreciate and respect everyones ideas, thoughts and passions. This was a small church with only around 40 members that night. It reminded me of tv footage I had seen when for churchs in the deep south. Everyone was singing, crying, hands in the air and completely entranced. The energy, commitment and passion in the air was truly remarkable and I loved it. Not so much that I agreed with their words, but loved their energy and conviction. The air was truly magnetic.
So.... when I left the church with Karla, she was very excited that I was in such awe and exctited about the unique experience. Not wanting to go back personally, just loved the fact that I had experienced somethign so new and powerful. Immediately Karla stated that she wanted to go three times per week and wanted me to go to. I really didn't want to go, but I am a big softie who has trouble saying no and considering my current enthused state, how could I argue a "no".
Sunday came again and away we went again. But this time.. .it all started going a bit strange. To this very day, I will never understand how it happened, but before I left, I had 10 or so people including the minister, putting their hands on my body, crying, raising one hand to the sky and saying things like "Help Rob see the way", "Help him become one of us", "Help him see the way".
OMG!!!!!! Sheer terror. When I got out of there, I was completely shelled shocked and unsure what do say, do or anything. Karla sees the complete insecurity and surprise in my face and asks whats wrong. Through strange, sub human, instinctual strength, I say to her "I don't think this is what I want. I don't want to go back.". Without missing a beat, Karla says that its just the devil holding me back from her and from the church. We must fight the devil and continue on. I now know I have to get out of this relationship with confidence. But the more I started to say that this is not what I wanted, the more Karla fought back.
She brought out the big guns too. She bought me a beautiful, gold embossed bible, starts bring over all sorts of other literature and having her minister email and call me. The more she pushed, the harder I tried to tell her we were done and this not what I wanted. This push and pull hell went on for a few weeks and even at one point, she tells me that she had a dream from god that we were married, playing instruments and leading the congregation....AHHHHHH!!!!!! Run Forrest (err. Rob), Run.!!!!!
Finally, nearing complete emotional exhaution, I needed a new plan. All I could think about was all the other dating stories and kept saying to myself, "Can't I just find a nice quite Saskatchewan girl, who I can settle down with? How do I magically attract these complete bizzare women? I took the day off from work that Wednesday, and went through spells of thinking to crying to amazement and finally found an answer.
Karla called me after work that day and she knew I was not doing well and came right over after work. I had to speak to her in her words.
"Karla", I said. "Un-huh", she replied. "I have had a very hard day today and have been in reflection and thought all day". "Un-huh", she replies, now with her warm smile turning to concern. "I have been talking to God today and after discussing it with him, we realized I can not be a member of my your church as my path is in a different direction. You mentioned that if I couldnt' be a member of your church, that it would be a real problem for us to be a couple".
To semi-paraphrase Bill Cosby, it was like her head split in two. Fire came out of her eyes and ears. Horns suddenly appeared her face gave way to the very devil himself. Complete with a fast paced barrage of words, actions and furry. "You can't speak to god, you haven't even read his book", "The devil has a solid hold on you" and "Your a sick, cursed individual" spewed with a barrage of other words and phrases.
She stomped around my house, picking up the literature, books, misc stuff and stormed out of my house and life forever. Wow... It worked.... again... why can't I just met a nice quiet, non religious, girl from Saskatchewan.
LOL.... Strange but true.... and I have tons of other stories to share. Keep posted and find out what story I have for you next.
Rob
Feb 21, 10
It was pretty hard being on my own for those four years after leaving Mia and staring up with Bele. I can do alot of things very well, but dating isn't one of them. It was a hard, lonely stretch. I will have to tell you about some of those stories someday as many of them are damn funny.
I know I am doing the right thing by not being with Bele anymore. I do miss her sometimes, but miss her less and less all the time. Those nights where she was drinking were so bizzare that most of you would never even believe it.... but, I will probably share some of those stories with you too.
Who am I? A nice guy, reasonably good looking, smart, funny, goofy, very sensitive, big hearted, and sometimes stubborn, but am pretty much the average guy. But... I have alot of stories over my years. Some will make you laugh, some will being you a warm smile, some will out and out make you cry, but each are very entertaining. My life has been just full of interesting stuff since day one and over time, you may just hear a bunch of them.
A teaser you say? Ah... ok.. just one. Let me tell you one of my funniest and bizzare dating stories from many moons ago.
Her name was Karla. I had been going through a phase of meeting women online and many of the ones I was meeting were like instant pudding. Add a little water, shake and poof... full on, yummy pudding in no time. Quick and easy. Those relationships were full on in days and rarely lasted more than three weeks before stuff went weird, and Karla proved to be no exception.
We met online and hit it off immediately and were completely enjoying each others company. She was a cute 5'8" woman with a great face and nice smile... hips and butt were kinda big, but who i am to judge.
Those first three weeks were awesome until one day..... She turns to me and says, "You know.. I have thinking Rob.". "Un-huh", I replied with a interested and warm smile. "You know how religion is important to me but not very important to you.". "Un-huh", again I replied, but now the warm smile was starting to slighly move to a cautious smile. "I have starting to read the bible again, and I have decided we can't do this, and this, and this and this.". "Un-huh", I again replied but now the smile is making complete confusion. I am always eager to be a complete gentleman, so I continued to listen and try not to show much reaction. "And... I want you to come to church with me next Wednesday". Well... what do I say, not interesting in goign...but "Un-huh".
So... I went to church with her on Wednesday. It was a strange and amazing experience. Now, I am not a religious man, but always appreciate and respect everyones ideas, thoughts and passions. This was a small church with only around 40 members that night. It reminded me of tv footage I had seen when for churchs in the deep south. Everyone was singing, crying, hands in the air and completely entranced. The energy, commitment and passion in the air was truly remarkable and I loved it. Not so much that I agreed with their words, but loved their energy and conviction. The air was truly magnetic.
So.... when I left the church with Karla, she was very excited that I was in such awe and exctited about the unique experience. Not wanting to go back personally, just loved the fact that I had experienced somethign so new and powerful. Immediately Karla stated that she wanted to go three times per week and wanted me to go to. I really didn't want to go, but I am a big softie who has trouble saying no and considering my current enthused state, how could I argue a "no".
Sunday came again and away we went again. But this time.. .it all started going a bit strange. To this very day, I will never understand how it happened, but before I left, I had 10 or so people including the minister, putting their hands on my body, crying, raising one hand to the sky and saying things like "Help Rob see the way", "Help him become one of us", "Help him see the way".
OMG!!!!!! Sheer terror. When I got out of there, I was completely shelled shocked and unsure what do say, do or anything. Karla sees the complete insecurity and surprise in my face and asks whats wrong. Through strange, sub human, instinctual strength, I say to her "I don't think this is what I want. I don't want to go back.". Without missing a beat, Karla says that its just the devil holding me back from her and from the church. We must fight the devil and continue on. I now know I have to get out of this relationship with confidence. But the more I started to say that this is not what I wanted, the more Karla fought back.
She brought out the big guns too. She bought me a beautiful, gold embossed bible, starts bring over all sorts of other literature and having her minister email and call me. The more she pushed, the harder I tried to tell her we were done and this not what I wanted. This push and pull hell went on for a few weeks and even at one point, she tells me that she had a dream from god that we were married, playing instruments and leading the congregation....AHHHHHH!!!!!! Run Forrest (err. Rob), Run.!!!!!
Finally, nearing complete emotional exhaution, I needed a new plan. All I could think about was all the other dating stories and kept saying to myself, "Can't I just find a nice quite Saskatchewan girl, who I can settle down with? How do I magically attract these complete bizzare women? I took the day off from work that Wednesday, and went through spells of thinking to crying to amazement and finally found an answer.
Karla called me after work that day and she knew I was not doing well and came right over after work. I had to speak to her in her words.
"Karla", I said. "Un-huh", she replied. "I have had a very hard day today and have been in reflection and thought all day". "Un-huh", she replies, now with her warm smile turning to concern. "I have been talking to God today and after discussing it with him, we realized I can not be a member of my your church as my path is in a different direction. You mentioned that if I couldnt' be a member of your church, that it would be a real problem for us to be a couple".
To semi-paraphrase Bill Cosby, it was like her head split in two. Fire came out of her eyes and ears. Horns suddenly appeared her face gave way to the very devil himself. Complete with a fast paced barrage of words, actions and furry. "You can't speak to god, you haven't even read his book", "The devil has a solid hold on you" and "Your a sick, cursed individual" spewed with a barrage of other words and phrases.
She stomped around my house, picking up the literature, books, misc stuff and stormed out of my house and life forever. Wow... It worked.... again... why can't I just met a nice quiet, non religious, girl from Saskatchewan.
LOL.... Strange but true.... and I have tons of other stories to share. Keep posted and find out what story I have for you next.
Rob
Feb 21, 10
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)